the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
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Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
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You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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