I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
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I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
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He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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