Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize