Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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