Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
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I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
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Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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