Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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