Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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