that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
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i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
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Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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