Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
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I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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