Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
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If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
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When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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