so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He felt like a one man threesome
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
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He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
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Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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