when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
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As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
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His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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