My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
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being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
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Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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