Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
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i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
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There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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