You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
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still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
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What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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