We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
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Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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