I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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