Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
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