It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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