So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
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It's never too late to be topless.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
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He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
the raccoons are back...
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