I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
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today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
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So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
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