Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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