I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
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She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
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I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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