For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
what the fuck happened to the tacos
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize