seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
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The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
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I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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