I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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