I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
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Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
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Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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