So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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