I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
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Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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