what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
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I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
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You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
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