i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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