it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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