I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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