You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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