I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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