I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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