so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
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You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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