While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
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Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
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I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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