You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
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Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
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Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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