The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
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He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
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I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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