i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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