New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
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Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
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Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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