I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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