she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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