Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
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