by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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