I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
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His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
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i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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