So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
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Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
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Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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