once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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