mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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